Existence, voice, and thinking: three reasons I write

There is a common trope found in many books, articles, and blog posts about writing; that the act of writing helps the writer find his or her voice. Some go further; they suggest that by writing we write ourselves into existence. Some proffer more modest claims; that when we write we find out what we think.

I subscribe to all those points of view. Which, and when, depends on how I feel and what I write.

One of the reasons I started this daily Medium post was to find my voice. Another was to write myself into existence. The third reason was to find out what I think. I’m either covering the bases or I really don’t know what i’m doing.

After over 50 posts, I’m feeling ambivalent — to say the least — about the process. Here’s the scorecard:

Reason 1 (voice): 5/10. Sometimes I don’t recognise myself. Often, I don’t like what I read or hear in the voice in which it is written. I try not to censor as I go along in the hope that the less attractive qualities will disappear later. (By the time I get to 100 posts, perhaps? One can hope.)

Reason 2 (existence): 4/10. When I look in the mirror I can’t tell if I am more corporeal by the day. Actually, if the mirror shows my stomach, that’s not quite true. And yet, there is no doubt that the daily discipline of posting — and overcoming fear and doubt — helps me feel more connected. To what, exactly, I am not yet sure.

Reason 3: (what I think): 6/10. I am more hopeful that this is making things clearer for me. On the other hand, I’m not so sure I want to be quite as clear on the paucity of some of my thinking. Still, clarity is a basis for hope.

That’s a 50% score across the three. Barely a pass but possibly good enough to keep going for now. But definitely a case of ‘must try harder’.