When is will-power stubbornness or stupidity?
I have a meditation app on my phone. I like it and it has served me well over the two years and more that I have owned it. It is, in fact, the only app I have paid for on my phone. There was a free version and I went ‘pro’ or ‘premium’ or whatever. Worth it. I think taking it to the next level gave me a better selection of bells for the beginning and end of a session.
No, really. That seemed important at the time.
But talking of bells….. I took a break from meditation over June and July. I’m not sure why. I started again yesterday: I have gentle mania for starting things when the first day of the month is also a Monday. (This is one of he reasons I need to meditate.)
While I’ve been away (as it were) the app has treated itself to an upgrade.
A new interface. Looks good.
The introduction of some background sounds for ‘normal’ meditation. Normal as opposed to guided, where there is always a voice and sounds anyway.
I chose raindrops for the background to my first session.
It started well. It sounded like gentle rain falling in the temple grounds somewhere in Asia. (Well, it sounded like rain and I added the rest because that’s what I wanted to imagine.)
Then, just as I’m starting to count my out breaths, bells come in. Not great clanging things but half-hearted bashed cow bells. A goat stumbling into the cloisters, perhaps. Then away again.
It was distracting but passed quickly. I tried to let the thought go. Just as I felt it was away here comes the goat back again.
And so it went on. But there was no obvious pattern to the goat’s intrusions. Which almost made it worse. I would almost be at the point of telling myself that there would be no more bells and then they would come again. The pattern of the chime was regular but its appearance not.
Maddening, actually. I got through the session but felt it had not been an exercise in meditation so much as a test of musical intervals.
The obvious response might have been to switch off the background sounds for this morning’s session. But no. I convinced myself that I would learn more — or gain more — by practising sitting through the noise of the bells.
I like to think this is me exercising my will power. This morning’s session was equally discomfiting. But it could be stubbornness born of ego: I don’t want to admit I made a mistake and I don’t want to be beaten by something that other people must use and treasure.
And it could be a sign of stupidity. It’s not for me but I’m doing it anyway. To make sure it’s not stupidity I will give myself the rest of the week. If I find it ruins my sitting after six or seven days I will switch it off. I think that releases me from whatever sad restrictions I impose on my psyche and I can get back to sitting without making a test out of it.
The answer to the question in the title, of course, is when what you keep doing makes things worse. It’s the old definition of insanity (often attributed to Einstein): insanity is to keep doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.
